I came across an article by Ruth Liew in The Star (http://www.thestar.com.my) and it reminded me of a very engaging discussion with my friend a couple of days ago over this topic of getting children to make decisions by themselves.
My friend feels that children before a certain age (not sure what that age really is) - cannot make their own decision while I feel otherwise. He said that children needed to be pushed to achieve certain goals and have to successful. When I asked him what "success" meant, we move to another topic of discussion. I guess, we somewhat came to a point where we agree to disagree and our conversation drifted to the on-going British Open at that time, wondering if Tiger Woods would win the tournament of would Montie do a "come from behind" to statch a vistory.
I guess this is one place I could to share Ruth's article (below) with you with some of my own thoughts without having to abruptly change topic to golf.
I always feel that young children has the ability to choose, parents need to feed them the tools to make decisions that benefits the child and make them happy. I have always encouraged my children to choose - "would you prefer rice or noodles" and life is interesting. Sometimes they do not feel like making a decision, sometimes there are too many decisions to make. Whatever it is choices make life a little more fun.
However, somewhere in time things takes an abrupt change - usually when they go to school. Were children ever consulted if they wanted to go to school? If yes, what type of school? When they were in school, did they have a choice what to learn and how to learn them? Whatever it is, it is as if suddenly the children did not have to make decisions - not allowed to make decisions. Decisions were made for them. Will they every be able to make decision on their own as they grow older? Of course, some parents would argue that these are choices far too complex for a young mind. This is where the finer parenting skills and the philosopy of learning and teaching comes into play. Perhaps this is one of those reason and thoughts that made us embark on homeschooling adopting an "unschooling" approach - where children, basically, call the shots.
Radical thought! Some may think. Many will feel that it is easier to teach/tell/spoonfeed than to give children space and time to learn on their own. Getting kids to make decisions, learning from wrong ones, is a very long process. Usually fear steps in our minds - the parents - especially when we attempt to benchmark our children with other children. Fear arises when we think that other children are "ahead" - other could do such a thing while my child cannot. I sometimes have to remind myself that the process is long and we need to keep in constant touch with our children and to keep a watch of ourselves as well.
I totally agree with Ruth's phrase that states that "we must not change our children but ourselves". In this whole learning experience at home, I continue to question myself whenever I get impatient with my children - is it me or is it my children with a problem. If we think deeper, its usually the us parents, expressing out fears and insecurities. I find this piece of advise powerful as it forces one to look inwards. In our modern world, we sometimes have no time or no inclination to do so.
I guess there is still so much to learn about being a parent. It is so easy to listen to what other people tells us and how society dictates what is right and what is wrong - so much so that we lose confidence in our abilities as parents.
Perhaps it is about time we think about our own strength and weaknesses and not be afraid to face them. Lest, our children will learn our ways.
K V
Source: www.thestar.com.my
Thursday July 21, 2005
Childwise by RUTH LIEW
Children are gifts from God. They also bear gifts for us to help us understand our lives on Earth. For this, we must pause and ponder upon our role as parents to help children reveal their gifts to us.
The gifts children bring to us lie within them, waiting to be discovered. These gifts include compassion, generosity, kindness, love, care, cooperation, appreciation and forbearance. They cannot be taught but drawn out from within the child. Adults who know this allow children to develop without suppression and pressure to perform before they are ready.
Many children hardly have any opportunities to develop these gifts. They are hurried to achieve school success so that they can later get a good job and have a good standing in society. The success in life is measured by how much they make in life, not what kind of people they become.
Parents who send their children to preschool, ask the teacher: “Have they learned to read yet?” or “Are they able to do addition or subtraction?” They would never ask: “Did my son get to help his friends today?” or “Did she marvel at the beautiful dew drops on the flowers?”
Children have an innate sense of appreciation. They look at things around them and marvel at their existence. They have many questions about their world. Sadly, adults do not appreciate their keenness and would hurry the children to get on with things and do something useful other than observing the ant trail.
We must not change our children but ourselves. We must re-examine ourselves and our priorities. Children will behave negatively when they are forced to go against their nature. We do not emphasise on the values that they like to work on. They want to be cooperative but we tell them that it is better for them to be competitive. We want them to be the top student in class.
What do you do when your child shows compassion towards a homeless person on the street?
Do you tell your child that you are proud of him for assisting his classmate in a difficult task? Or, do you tell him not to lose his things in school and not to lend anyone anything?
A Year One boy I approached to borrow his class timetable told me: “My mother said I cannot lend anyone anything in school.”
I only needed to take a look at his copy of the timetable because my daughter had lost hers. When he finally relented, I praised him and asked him to let his mother know that he has helped a friend in need.
To draw out the gifts from our children, we must support them in the process of unravelling. We must give them time and space for them to actively participate in the making of humanity. We must not hurry them to learn the things they are not ready for. We must allow them to wonder and admire the forces of nature at work. Do not take on the role of teacher but be your child’s learner. He may teach you a thing or two about life that you have long forgotten.
